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MARCHING ORDERS
RM TAKES AN UNAUTHORISED LOOK AT THE RIGHT TO PROTEST IN THE CITY BY THE SEA

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And you thought parades season in Northern Ireland was controversial...The clash between Sussex Police and those exercising their right to assembly and freedom of expression has been building up steam over the summer with massive displays of force from police in response to legitimate demonstrations. Two marches against the war in Lebanon and one against the presence of arms dealers in the city have been met with large numbers of cops, aggressive and intrusive video surveillance and threats of arrest. Over the top police presence seems to deliberately obscure what the demo is about. The Smash EDO campaign was threatened with the ‘arrest and prosecution of organisers’, in an e-mail from Chief Inspector Lawrence Hobbs, if they failed to co-operate with the Plod in relation to a demo on September 16th.

Video surveillance of protesters has become overwhelming. The march against the war in Lebanon on August 19th had no fewer than five video teams in attendance. One officer from an “Evidence Gathering” unit confirmed they were there “to identify everyone on the demonstration”. In one incident as the crowd was gathering, a small girl accidentally set off the siren function on a megaphone hung on her little brother’s pushchair. As her father rushed to switch it off, one EG unit filmed her head to toe three times. Unsurprisingly she burst into tears. For a finale the video team filmed the rest of the family. Of course it’s just co-incidence that they were Arabic

Sussex Police are known for using “capture cards” - a collection of mugshots of those they claim are ‘trouble makers’ or ‘organisers’. The cards are handed to officers for constant surveillance of certain individuals, who are frequently arrested on charges which later collapse in court. For a taster of the intimidatory tactics check out the film “Number One” at www.schnews.org.uk/schmovies showing a police video team following a well known local protester through the North Laines.

For the August 19th demo, police were drafted in from Surrey to enforce the route of the march as decreed by a Section 14 notice under the Public Order Act. In order to justify the presence of so many cops, police resorted to accusing organisers of anti-semitism. An incident on march two weeks before, involving a bit of verbal when a man stopped his car and shouted “Terrorists” at the crowd, was amplified by the police into a “racially aggravated assault” because the 24-year-old bouncer in question was “half-Jewish” . Needless to say no arrests have been made as a result of the ‘assault’ which took place in broad daylight in front of police video teams, nor have the police sought witness statements from those present. We’d accuse Chief Superintendent Kevin Moore of pursuing a Zionist agenda but we suspect he wouldn’t know one from Adam. It’s just the cops trying to show who’s boss as usual.

STRAIN ON YOUR PARADE

While some of those who march or demonstrate in the city are ideologically opposed to negotiating with the police (and that’s certainly the RM line), ironically it is police pig-headedness that has convinced many of the city’s more mainstream groups that negotiating with the cops is a bad idea. Most people who became involved with activism as a result of the illegal war in Iraq started out believing the police would allow political expression - ‘cos we live in a democracy right?. However, as soon as they began to deal with the authorities they were hit with restrictions on size of demos, denied routes and threatened with being made liable for anything that went wrong. They were asked to leaflet every house on the routes of marches, compelled to have stewards, insurance etc.

It soon became obvious that those who did not negotiate with police were having far greater success with their rallies. The initial police response to such unauthorised demos was to clamp down with full force. August 30th last year saw North Rd blocked by snarling police dogs on a busy shopping Saturday as over a hundred police pushed a demo down a side-street and arrested four. (One man is still awaiting trial for inciting this demo) But campaigners didn’t crack under pressure, holding another march in December attended by over 300 (RM#8). This time weight of numbers and public opinion meant the march went ahead. By this summer, the ‘mainstream’ Sussex Action for Peace was holding unauthorised demonstrations. In attempting to stifle all dissent, Sussex Plod conjured a public order situation out of thin air. The Naked Bike Ride (see RM#11) fell foul of policing restrictions when it tried to negotiate a bit of al-fresco nudity.

Following the August 19th demo, the stage was set for the SMASH EDO march through town to mark International Peace Messenger Day (Sept 16th). Once more cops threatened to prosecute organisers but this time round, due to ill-thought out remarks from top cop Kevin Moore in the Argus, questions were being asked about Sussex Police’s attitude to the right to protest. In a hurried compromise the cops were forced to allow protesters to march right through the centre of town. Things got a bit agitated as anarchists tried to break through to the Town Hall to petition their local councillors (another masterpiece of muddled thinking by campaign spokesman Andrew “one for the road” Beckett no doubt). Luckily police formed lines to prevent this ideological travesty taking place.

SMARM OFFENSIVE

SMASH EDO have led the way in ensuring the right to demonstrate in Brighton. The police, sensing defeat over this issue, have begun a campaign of divide and rule. Seeking to split the peace movement, activists from groups like the Muslim Forum have been leant on by the Police. Even campaigners at Smash EDO have been promised a “clean slate” and encouraged to “forget the past”. Iron-fisted Kevin Moore has been shunted out of the way to make way for velvet-gloved Graham Bartlett. The Argus has weighed in with space-filler (sorry, leading columnist) Jean Calder writing a hilarious puff-piece for the new public order supremo .The article gushes about this “talented young detective” with “eyes sparkling” who is “knowledgeable about abuse issues” (and co-incidentally helped draft the very same laws used to injunct protesters up at EDO), a “consummate diplomat” who speaks so movingly about the “frustration and hurt” experienced by the police and leaves us wondering if Jean’s developed a fancy for a man in uniform in her old age. She happily concedes that “protesters on unplanned spontaneous demonstrations have always run the risk of arrest”. She speaks of soft cop Bartlett’s interest “in sexual and domestic violence” and willingness to listen. How sweet. The Argus also accused protesters of “stepping over the line” in a recent editorial and failing to notify police of their intentions. This was despite an article the previous week that detailed the precise route of the intended march – presumably they can’t be bothered to read their own rag...

The reason that the police are now so desperate is that campaigners have stood their ground, and as a result they’ve lost face in the city. The fact that they are now trying to smarm their way back into control should come as no surprise. But as Bartlett will no doubt be aware from his experience of domestic violence, those at the receiving end of abuse should be wary of promises of how “It’s all gonna be different this time – I’m a changed man”. RM predicts that if anyone wants to plan a march with the police they’ll have an easy ride... for now. But as soon as the plod have the sheep safely back in the fold it’ll be crackdown time again.

UNHEALHY PROFITS - THE GREAT NHS SWINDLE

Unless you work there, or fall off a ladder, the NHS is something we all avoid thinking about. We don’t want to be confronted with our own mortality when we’re busy worshipping the ever-youthful cult of celebrity and dreaming of consumer paradise! People like the idea that we’ve got an NHS but don’t really won’t to learn all about the ins and outs of its bureaucracy – they just want it to work, and probably think nurses deserve much better pay. If you follow the news you may have absorbed a few government soundbites about how vast sums of money have been pumped in by Neo-Labour, but also heard about the creeping privatisation of the NHS and criticisms that a lot of cash isn’t actually improving frontline care. So RM feels it’s high time for a check up on the health of the health service...

So how does the big privatisation game operate? Let’s look at one example in our region, a company called Mercury Health. In December 2005, Mercury were handed a £214 million contract to provide five private centres in the South, of which four are now open. They are St Mary’s NHS Treatment Centre (Portsmouth), Will Adams NHS Treatment Centre (Gillingham), Mid & South Buckinghamshire NHS Diagnostic Centre (High Wycombe) and Sussex Orthopaedic NHS Treatment Centre, which opened in June on the Princess Royal Hospital site in Haywards Heath.

A review of the figures in March 2006 reveals that the cost of an eye operation at the St Mary’s centre was now £5,590 compared to the standard NHS price of £847. The public purse had up till then paid a cool £335,412 for just 60 cataract operations at this centre - whilst the same number at the Queen Anne’s Hospital cost just £50,820. Now that’s an eye-opener! But how can it be costing so much for the same service, you might ask... well, Mercury have a nice little deal going. They have an £84m five-year agreement to provide 1,650 cataract operations a year which guarantees them their payment - regardless of whether GPs actually refer any patients to them or not!

And this picture is repeated at Mercury’s other centres – such as the Will Adams NHS treatment centre in Gillingham which was contracted to carry out (and therefore paid for) 4,000 procedures a year but in its first 8 months did just 435.

So who is paying all this extra cash for operations that don’t actually happen? Well you of course, but directly it is the Primary Care Trusts (PCTs), the regional administrative organs of the NHS, and these private deals are hitting them hard. The Isle of Wight PCT was obliged by its strategic health authority to buy 200 cataract operations from Mercury Health at St Mary’s centre, paying Mercury Health £200,000 to give their patients ‘choice’ - ‘in line with government policy’. In fact, patients chose their local hospital, and so far this year only four patients have gone to St Mary’s. Each operation has then so far earned Mercury Health £50,000. Any effort by the Isle of Wight to barter the contract with other trusts have failed cos all the other PCTs are in the same screwed position. This money for old rope scam is forcing trusts to cut frontline jobs – The NHS Medway Trust is currently making £12m in cuts by cutting 160 jobs. If they cut all the jobs there’ll be no inconvenient staff or patients, just 100% pure profit!

Over in Hayward’s Heath, in July 2006 Brighton Council’s Scrutiny Committee was presented with a question on Mercury’s scam by Brighton Keep our NHS Public. The health authorities assured them that Mercury’s centre in Haywards Heath would not present the same problems as St Mary’s if the PCTs only took ‘full advantage’ of their services. In this case, operations would cost, the Committee heard, as much as the NHS cost. This itself was definitely a lie, because it is national policy to allow private companies to ‘absorb’ 11% more in costs from the taxpayer than the NHS for similar treatments.

The problem with St Mary’s, you see, was that the PCTs allowed patients to choose to have their operations elsewhere, so the private centre was paid for operations it never performed. In Brighton, the health authorities are planning to get round this problem by… denying patients choice altogether! Brighton and Sussex University Hospital Trust, which runs Royal Sussex County Hospital in Brighton, had already decided to… ‘package up’ patients to go to Mercury, whether they liked them or not, as revealed in the minutes of their meeting of the Clinical Management Board, on 6 June 2006. Well, the market can’t be expected to cope with customer choice can it?!

Despite the assurances, Sussex Orthopaedic Treatment Centre is still not operating at anything the rate required under the stitch-up contract, meaning they are being paid fat wads of cash for sitting around with their feet up, waiting for the local PCT to feel the financial pinch and begin laying off staff – some of which they have already started announcing. Meanwhile, Mercury Health will use surgeons seconded (transferred) from Brighton and Sussex University Hospital. So besides thriving on public resources and staff, Mercury is destroying the public sector through unfair competition. The introduction of ‘modernisation’ in the NHS means that the public sector is obliged to compete with the private. However, while public hospitals are only paid ‘by results’, Mercury gets its revenue guaranteed. On top of that, they also kick back the awkward and expensive burden of post-surgery care back to the NHS! According to the contract, most of Mercury’s patients will be discharged on the same day of their operations, and their local PCT will have the responsibility to treating them at home afterwards.

TRIBAL WARFARE

As this is totally unfeasible for most cash-strapped PCTs, they end up delivering substandard care threatening people’s health and even lives in order to siphon cash cash into shareholders pockets.

And who’s behind this modern management miracle? Of course Neo-Labour is backing the privatisation fat cats all the way, but it’s the consultants who’ve really cleaned up. Step up Tribal Group Plc, who were appointed to a panel advising the Department of Health on all potential future commercial relationships with healthcare providers. Oh yes, by the way, Mercury Health is a subsidiary of... Tribal Group, but don’t worry, they’re on scout’s honour to avoid any conflict of interest. Amazingly Mercury’s plan ‘earned’ approval.

And how to sell these wonderful rigged market ideas to the poor worker bees of the NHS? Over to Geronimo Communications, an advertising company paid taxpayer dosh to win over staff with propaganda such as the ‘The White Paper Bulletin’, making the capitalist’s attempts to destroy the NHS actually sound like a great idea. Oh, yes, we should mention that Geronimo are, naturally, a subsidiary of...Tribal Plc.

So, conspiracy theorists need not apply – companies like Tribal are openly hovering like vultures around the NHS, looking to scoop up easy profits. The NHS, egged on by decision-makers (either taken in by their own ‘corporate efficiency’ spin or, more likely, rubbing their hands looking forward to plum boardroom posts), is ripping itself apart and handing over the nation’s family silver. Health trusts in Sussex are some of the biggest spenders on paid advisers in Britain. Statistics reveal hospital trusts in Sussex spent over £3 million on external consultants last year. The biggest spending trust in the county was Brighton and Sussex University Hospitals NHS Trust, which runs five hospitals in the county and which forked out £2.7 million on management consultants in 2005/6.

The NHS has been weakened to the point where it is relying on the saline drip of private finance. But these same angels of mercy are busy reaching for the life support machine plug and and once the NHS is killed off, of course, there will be no way back. This is happening under our noses and immediate action is needed across society – if you don’t get involved, your children will never experience a country with a free, public health service and every treatment in the future will help funnel an extra slice of your money directly into laughing shareholders’ pockets. See www.keepournhspublic.org.uk (For demo details see Gig List)

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MIDWIFE CRISIS

As recently reported in our rival publication The Argus, staffing shortages in the maternity department of the Royal Sussex County go from bad to worse. Head of midwifery Carol Drummond rushed to deny claims of cutbacks and risks to patients, but as one maverick midwife told RM, “They are claiming that staff shortages are due to the high rates of sickness on the unit which is true - but no-one is asking why so many people are ill. If you work 13 hour shifts in stressful conditions, constantly running one step ahead of chronic staff shortages, unable to give a decent service, is it any wonder people would rather stay in bed?” Our renegade babycatcher also told us that 50 women a month are choosing to go to Worthing to have their babies, not trusting Brighton to give safe care or provide clean wards. Newly pregnant women wanting a home birth wait with bated breath to find out if they will be able to have a midwife at the birth, or be given little choice but to go into hospital. As both women and midwives are voting with their feet, what next for the beleaguered RSCH? Surely it’s only one small jump to the corporate-sponsored midwife stamping barcodes on bottoms and handing out the new “baby ASBOs”.

Dear Sirs, I understand you have the following quote on your website: “Local Tories are, of course, in on the game. Reflecting on the debate over the Marina development, Conservative top brass recently promised that if they get into power awkward democratic interventions like planning committees will become a thing of the past.” Could you tell me from where this assertion comes as I can assure you this is not true. I look forward to hearing from you.

Cllr Brian Oxley Leader, Conservative Group, B&H Council

Dear Bri, Thanks for the fanmail (See RM#11). We know the local Conservatives have an average age of 83 and so we’re prepared to forgive a little ‘forgetfulness’. But just to jog yer memory, back in March you signed a letter to the Government Office of the South East (GOSE) asking them to appoint a planning inspector to determine the planning application instead of taking it through the usual channels. In the letter to GOSE you suggested that the planning committee might be “unduly influenced by local interest groups” and that the appointment of an inspector would be the fairest way to determine the application. If you need help finding anything else (like your reading glasses) just contact yer rabble-rousin’ Rough Music.

Yours, True Blue RM!

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FUNNY BUSINESS

What are those crazy suits up to now?

We at RM have been doing our monthly trawl of the website of Brighton Business Forum, front organisation for Brighton PLC and pushers of the Business Improvement District (BID), the ‘regeneration’ brainchild shaping the future of ‘our’ city. Guess what’s hot on the agenda this month? Yup - shopping. See, our corporate fuhrers are worried that not enough people are shopping in Brighton, which is news to us. Maybe they’ve popped for a coffee in one of 58,000 local outlets or hey, maybe they’re all too busy trying to pay the exorbitant rent. Seems ‘Business Leaders’ (tighten your grip on the trigger) want more dosh for PR to keep folk forking out on the never-never in this blighted ‘dead period’ when punters are swimming in the sea, walking on the downs, painting impressionist watercolours of the subtle shifts to autumn or engaged in other such crimes against the economy. So, top PR bods Priory Partnership have landed the job. RM notes they’ve got ‘previous’ - like bigging up the Brighton Marina masterplan for starters. Their first job will be to get the tills festively ringing by launching the ‘Christmas Festival’ with a November switch-on of the lights. Let’s hope Santa brings brings ‘em a Yule surprise - a gift-wrapped turd. Season’s greetings!

But that’s not all. BID Ltd is also doling out a £350,000 contract for ‘on-street uniformed security’ to deter ‘anti-social behaviour’ in the area. Which basically means that, on top of the Community Support monkeys, there’ll now be Private Plod to dish out hass to colourful street drinkers and others not ‘playing the game’. BID is quick to reassure us that this ain’t the case - they see their boys as ‘ambassadors’, dishing out ‘advice’ to visitors (“buy something or fuck off”) and as ‘first aiders’ bandaging the grazed knees of grateful angel-faced children. Of course, they’ll also be working hand in hand with the Business Forum’s Crime Reduction Partnership, tipping off the filth with the word from the street. Not only will emptying your wallet down the proverbial drain be a safer experience in nu-look BID Brighton, but it’ll soon be more ‘convenient’ too!

Once final approval is given and the Kommandants get their way, there’ll be no more ‘put-one-foot-in-front-of-the-other’ misery cos the eight central parking zones are gonna be simplified to just two. This means resident-permit holders will be able to nip down from Seven Dials to the Laines to hoover up balsamic feta and overpriced ‘retro’ crap in the SUV, rather than share the bus with dole-wallahs and NHS users, because it’ll all be the same parking zone and they can park for free anywhere. And the excuse? It’ll make things easier for all the folk on parking permit waiting lists, none of whom is able to forgo the ‘freedom’ of their own personal polluter and use public transport. “Along with increased car use, pollution and congestion there will be many losers if this goes ahead. It’s tempting to conclude that this is a cynical council money making exercise. There’s certainly no logic whatsoever in the plans,” said Green Councillor Keith Taylor, trying to jump on RM’s bandwagon. If approval is given, work goes ahead early next year. Cyclists, you gotta wait til at least 2009 for any improvements that’ll benefit you.

Chief Super Kevin Moore

WANKERS CORNER

A regular column featuring our favourite Brightonians

Beating the hot competition for top autumn knuckle-shuffler in the Wanker’s paradise that is the city of B&HTM Plc is Sussex Police Chief Superintendent Kevin Moore, also featuring on the front of Sussex Police’s imaginatively titled propaganda rag POLICING. Poster-boy Kevin assures us in his profile that he values the “cosmopolitan atmosphere and the diversity of within our communities” claiming that there was “a well-placed feeling of confidence in the policing of this city”. Well they say heroin screws you up – and Moore was left red-faced when new high-tech police drug sniffers at Pride this year discovered horse about his person. Moore claimed that it was just for personal use (sorry ‘inevitable contamination’) and asked for 57 similar offences to be taken into consideration.

Aside from smacking the pony, power junkie Moore’s unenviable job involves regularly sending in the boot boys to intimidate and assault protesters in Brighton. (see front page). People with the obviously low mental capacity of our Kev shouldn’t try and meddle with politics, and they certainly shouldn’t claim to be impartially enforcing the law after the past few years of Sussex cops assaulting, harassing and arresting peaceful protesters, in such a ham-fistedly corrupt way that the filth have even dropped charges against people because their own evidence was too bent to show in court. RM wouldn’t wish an undignified death in a drug-fuelled uniform fetish masturbation marathon on anyone, but wouldn’t lose much sleep about it either.

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UP AGAINST THE FENCE

It’s been another busy summer for Smash EDO and more bad news for Brighton’s despised bomb factory EDO MBM. The campaign is hitting hard and the company’s in trouble. On 31st July, US parent company EDO Corp’s director Dennis C. Blair resigned over sleaze allegations and the company also lost valuable US army contracts.

Back in Brighton, weekly noise demos outside the factory continue. On 23rd August, two protestors occupied the roof of the factory for 12 hours (causing EDO Corp’s share price to immediately drop by 50 cents), highlighting the use of the type of weapons made by EDO MBM in the Israeli bombardment of Lebanon. Then on 16th September, a march in Brighton exposed the hypocrisy of Brighton’s status as a UN Peace Messenger city harbouring a bomb factory.

On September 21st protesters arrived early at the factory and locked the gates shut. Activists locked-on to barrels of concrete blockaded the main gates. Eventually after a two-hour stand off managing director Paul Hills had to angle grind down a section of his own fence to allow workers in for the day! There were no arrests. EDO Corps share price took another dive when news of the protest hit Wall Street.

For more news on the campaign www.smashedo.org.uk or e-mail smashedo@hotmail.com

Rough Music Gig List

• Sept 30th World Day for Incarcerated Animals. March and Rally. Preston Park 1pm. Followed by food at the Unemployed Centre.
• Oct 3rd DOVE anti-Newhaven Incinerator public meeting / benefit gig at All Saint’s church Lewes, 7.30pm.
• Oct 5th Liberty on the Ropes - Discussion about ID cards, deportations and the rest of the crackdown, guest speakers include the lunatic David “Zionist shadow government” Shayler, introduced by the flagrant self publicist Dan Glass.
• Oct 7th Titnore Rally Stop the access road! Support the tree camp! Keep up the pressure! Meet at Durrington station at 2pm to head en masse for for the woods. See www.eco-action.org/porkbolter
• Oct 7th DOVE anti-Incineration Rally, starting 12am from Hillcrest Community Centre, Newhaven. For more see www.dove2000.org
• Oct 8th SmashEDO Direct Action Training, 1pm at the Friends Meeting House, Ship St.
• Oct 14th Keep our NHS Public Demo, meet 12pm at the Level – March to Sussex County Hospital.
• Critical Mass last friday of every month. Meet at the Level, 6pm.
• EDO Noise Demos every Wednesday, 4pm at Home Farm Rd.

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Titter Ye Not

When to evict, when not to evict, that is the question. Seems that the Somersets – owners of Titnore Woods, proposed site of a housing development and a Tesco (see RM#11) – are enjoying having their little laugh at the tree protesters’ expense. With millions coming their way they can afford to - and big daddy Fitzroy (or was it ingrate Clem?) was quoted in the local rag as saying: ‘It’d be fun to say it was going to happen Thursday and then not do it.’ Cheeky chaps! They’ve also thrown down the gauntlet saying they wonder how many campers will make it through to winter. Well, we’ll see – never underestimate a pixie with a legitimate grievance we say – especially when they’re getting more support all the time...

Worthing Council has said that 200 of the threatened trees could be saved as the straightening of a sharp bend in Titnore Lane is no longer required as Govt guidance on speed limits is that the lane should be 40mph. Of course this could mean that a widening scheme might be lurking in the background... And it won’t change anything as far as Camp Titnore is concerned. The development will still destroy a valuable forest ecosystem and lay waste to some beautiful open countryside.

With the likelihood of a judicial review on the development called for by the Worthing Society and the planning process still not complete, the smirks on the bloated faces of gout-ridden Clem and Fitzroy are a touch premature says your wise oracle RM. Titnore protest (see Gig List) www.protectourwoodland.co.uk

Wanna know what’s really going on on the streets of Brighton? Don’t bother with the Argus then. Journos at our rival publication have been confined to their building up by Hollingbury ASDA. In a cost-cutting exercise the hapless hacks have been told to stay in the office and only research stories by phone. The Argus now sends photographers out but keeps the lowly scribes in for extra homework. A little birdie tells us that at one point there were a staggering six vacancies at the ailing rag. Of course yer Rough Music is still out and about with its ear to the ground and reading the writing on the wall.

You’re Nicked, Sunshine

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WANDERING STARBUCKS

So Starbucks has scored a hatrick – three shops in the centre of town with the latest opening in Western Road. With the first lights going on in the ‘luxury apartments’ in the New England St development and gaudy adverts in local mags fetishising the cocktail-loving blood-suckers from London who can now ponce around the Laines with their Prada-wear and ultra thin mobiles to their hearts’ content – don’t say we didn’t warn yer. The station site, the steel and glass monstrosity opposite the Pavilion and apartments springing up all over the Marina mean one thing: real Brightonians will find getting an affordable house as hard to find as a decent independent caff in a sea of all this shitty city mediocrity. Walk down the Laines now and anything vaguely alternative – The Hemp Shop, Rokit etc etc – is now history. Mine’s a double skinny mock-a-crappa-cino...

BUNG FU FIGHTING

An anonymous source from within the murky inner depths of Brighton Council has revealed to RM the mystical secrets behind the soaraway success of the city by the sea. “The redevelopment of Brighton is fuelled by mystical bung energy,” he said. “The primal substance, kash, can be converted by those in the know into bung energy and circulated to produce powerful effects. The main psychic obstacles to the success of Brighton Plc are public opinion, common sense, planetary survival, good taste and long-term economics. All of these can be overcome by the kash bung.” Most of the hidden inner-workings of the Council are thought to be related to bung energy. “Bung energy is associated with the Element of Wood, in the form of paper,” explained our source.
Mark Dutch, Brighton property tycoon and 39th-level Hypocrite in the Church of Ominous Bollocks, who has attained a high spiritual level due to his cutthroat, dog-eat-dog business acumen, commented, “the teachings of our church are based on traditional wisdom like bung energy and the accumulation of kash. Our ethics permit lying to those beneath us for personal gain. And why not, if we can get away with it?” No wonder they’re reiki-ing it in...

GOING UP MARKET

The smells of fresh veg, greasy fry-ups, old tools and chain-oil from second-hand bikes could soon be replaced at the Open Market by the smells of … well, French soap and over-priced goats cheese. The likes of Jim’s Tools and Grandad’s Bikes are gonna be shoved aside by the up and coming cosmpolitan elite. Cos next for redevelopment after the New England site is the market, nestling between London Rd and Ditchling Road since WW1. Apparently, the ‘key gateways’ of London Rd and Lewes Rd are a bit ‘rough’ for Brighton PLC’s wet dream of a city of milk, honey and balsamic vinegar. ‘A lasting impression of neglect and decay’ is what sticks in visitors minds, according to the council- which even they blame on the effects of supermarkets (not that that stops the planning permission); and now business wallahs are chomping to bring the strategies behind the retail glory of North Laine to bear on London Rd’s colourful ragbag of charity shops and Poundland scum.

Anticipating change, enterprising stallholders in the Market Traders Association have put forward a £9m plan for the market – and the neighbouring Co-op, slated to close soon- which should curry favour with our economic uberlords. It’s for a ‘continental style’ market, doing away with cheap ‘n’ cheerful basics in favour of a split level mix of ‘welcoming’ retail units, dinky ‘workshops’ and so-called ‘affordable’ housing; a three-tongued plan guaranteed to lick Fanshawes’ demanding arse from all conceivable angles. There’ll be space for picturesque moneyspinners such as the visiting Dieppe market and licensed ‘street art’, which’ll no doubt have the spin-off of giving Brighton’s squads of day-glo Hobby Bobbies carte blanche to harass non council-approved buskers and piss artists.

What’ll it look like? Well, rather than the old-fashioned ‘facing out’ layout, stalls will all face inwards, creating (it says here) ‘a sense of arrival and a legible route for customers’. The market’s on the ground floor, with two squares for licensed jesters. Above that will be quaint craft workshops where punters can watch artisans at work (with retail facilities, natch) and up top are living apartments for all these cobblers, puppet makers, dream-catcher-smiths and whatnot. Oh, and there’s lots of the usual guff about ‘alternating axes’, ‘unifying visual links’ and other subliminal wallet-opening devices.

Traders have stated that they are keen to emulate other successful regeneration projects in the city, so no doubt veg traders are busy training up for lucrative sidelines in Wi-Fi windchimes, organic laptops and Fairtrade cocaine.